SECRET DIARIES OF HOGWARTS
by Sarah Noble
Summary: You don't really know a person...until you read their VERY SECRET DIARY...
1. Snape

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR SEVERUS SNAPE  
  
Day 1  
  
Cloudy today, as usual. Still not the Dark Arts professor. Am getting very tired of resubmitting resume every year. Job went to that git Quirrell...not surprised. Must be shagging half the faculty in order to keep it, as he seems totally unqualified in any other way. Also strikes me as a swotty nancy.  
  
Day 2  
  
Have just heard James' son is going to be in my classes, worse luck. I shall probably flunk him. Still not Dark Arts professor.  
  
Day 3  
  
Rotten Potter brat looks just like his father, which creeps me out. Kind of cute, though. Also met up with Lucius' son, a much better student with very cool hair. Offered him private tutoring as a favor to Lucius, but he declined.  
  
Day 4  
  
Had a falling out today with Dumbledore when he got quite shirty over the way I teach class. Told me off for trying to deliberately flunk Potter. Don't know why Dumbledore thinks so much of that kid. Think maybe he wants to get just a little too friendly with his students, the old lech. Still bloody Potions master today.  
  
Day 8  
  
Just realized my job has no magical significance whatsoever! Got a rather cheeky anonymous letter stating that I was merely the Home Economics teacher of Hogwarts and my class should be called "Mixing and Boiling 101." Had a good cry about it in the boy's lavatory. Want to apply for the Transfiguration position next term but that harpy MacGonagall would turn me into a badger.  
  
Made up for it by teaching Malfoy some dangerous new tricks to use on Potter, as well as some slightly non-magical tricks involving chocolate syrup. He seemed to be impressed.  
  
Day 14  
  
No classes. Stayed in bed all day today. Still not the Dark Arts professor.  
  
Day 19  
  
Found Quirrell in an empty classroom, talking to his hat. Suspect he might be gay.  
  
Day 27  
  
Haven't written lately. Too upset over idiot Potter boy and annoying redhaired sidekick. Gave Potter detention for mouthing off in class and sent him to Filch to be whipped in the dungeons. Was disappointed that he wouldn't let me watch.  
  
Day 34  
  
Think Quirrell may be in league with Voldemort. At dinner, he keeps stealing crackers off the table and stuffing them into his hat. Still haven't got his job yet.  
  
Day 36  
  
Caught Quirrell trying to sneak past three-headed dog! Go me! He said he just wanted another look at the Philosopher's Stone to make sure it was still there. Told him off and said I was going to get his job one way or another. He said there was something of his he wouldn't mind giving me and started edging towards me. Ran away quick.  
  
Day 38  
  
First Quidditch match. Had to stop Quirrell from putting curse on Potter to make his trousers come off. Bloody counter-curse of mine made his broom try to kill him instead. Quirrell was miffed about the whole affair and so was I. Almost wish I had let him get away with it. Flunked most of the seventh-year class today.  
  
Day 49  
  
Decided to wash hair today but someone had stolen all of my St. Ives out of the bathroom. Was very upset, but don't really think I needed a shower anyhow.  
  
Swotty little Malfoy kid keeps whining about his problems. Already gave him a prefect score on last test, so I don't see what he's so upset about. Maybe it was the chocolate syrup.  
  
Day 53  
  
Went out for a midnight skulk around the castle and ran into Quirrell again, talking to his hat. Am starting to think he is definitely gay.  
  
Day 58  
  
Have to go to stupid Death Eater's reunion tomorrow. Not looking forward to it. Hate everybody I used to know there anyhow. Have to bring a dish to pass...probably will make a cheesecake.  
  
Day 59  
  
Reunion was a disaster. Hardly anyone showed (mostly because they were in jail) and Avery got drunk and ruined the nice centerpiece on the buffet table. Worse luck, I forgot to bring the cheesecake. Still, was glad to see that most everyone else was going slightly bald, whereas I was the best- looking wizard there.  
  
Day 62  
  
Got back to school and found out that over the weekend, that Potter brat had managed to save the Stone and fight off Voldemort. Were was he at the reunion?!  
  
Am not happy that my efforts to protect the Stone have gone unnoticed. Will probably have another good cry, then fail the rest of my students. 


	2. Malfoy

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF DRACO MALFOY  
  
  
  
Day 1  
  
Have arrived in Hogwarts and been sorted into Slytherin. Go me! Slytherin is the best House. Daddy sent me some money to buy new friends...he thinks of everything.  
  
Met the head of the House, Professor Snape. Very nice man, offered a bag of Galleons to whoever killed Quirrell first. Think maybe he wants Quirrell's job or something. Also taught us the secret Slytherin handshake and the super-secret Slytherin victory dance, for when we humiliate any Gryffindors. He also offered to teach me some other "secret Slytherin practices" but I declined, since I don't think students are allowed in professors' private quarters after dark.  
  
Day 3  
  
Have basically proven to everyone that I am good-looking, smart and rich. All except stupid three Gryffindors...fuzzy-headed girl, Weasley brat and that jerk Potter. Potter not bad-looking, though of course I'm a much better catch.  
  
Day 5  
  
Stupid Potter made stupid Gryffindor stupid Seeker on the STUPID House team. Am not happy with this. Know that I can be a MUCH better Seeker, but there are no openings on my House team. Asked Snape to change the rules and made two Seekers legal for House teams. He said that rules were meant to be broken...but I think he was referring to the rule about not visiting professors' private chambers after dark. Am thinking of becoming a Hufflepuff.  
  
Day 8  
  
Had a very disturbing private tutoring with House head involving chocolate syrup. Not sure father would approve.  
  
Day 22  
  
Haven't written in awhile because of classes. Get perfect marks in Potions as always but other professors are not as considerate. Think maybe the syrup trick would get me better grades with them as well.  
  
Slytherin biffy broken, had to share shower time with the Gryffindors. Potter not quite as bad-looking as I figured.  
  
Day 24  
  
Tried the syrup trick on MacGonagall and she turned me into a badger.  
  
Day 30  
  
Recovering from the badger incident. Note to self: apparently only Slytherins understand the subtle science of chocolate.  
  
Day 38  
  
Bloody Quidditch match. Lost the game. Not much fun to watch. Was almost interested when Potter seemed to be under a De-Trousering Curse, but that ended pretty quick. Lousy day.  
  
Day 42  
  
Can't seem to talk to Potter alone...his little redheaded boyfriend Weasley is always there. Are they epoxied together or something? Still avoiding Snape after the syrup incident.  
  
Day 49  
  
Tripped Weasley in the hallway, scattering his books. Hung around smirking while Potter helped pick them up. Not too bad-looking when he's bending over.  
  
Day 52  
  
Have written to father about The Head of my House and these private classes of his. Father says I should learn all that I can from Snape about the Dark Arts so I can have an advantage over the other students. On the back of the letter it said "P.S. Don't let him pull the syrup trick on you like he did to me."  
  
Thanks for nothing, dad!  
  
Day 62  
  
Potter and his sidekicks somehow beat out Voldemort to getting some stupid stone. Not that I or anyone else cares. Slytherin lost the House Cup, worse luck. Father sent a check to Dumbledore for the Cup in Slytherin's name but the stupid git had the nerve to hold it til it cleared the bank, which was well after term ended! Am thinking I should switch schools to Durmstrang, which has a much better curriculum concerning the Dark Arts, and hopefully less friendly teachers. 


	3. Hermione

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HERMIONE GRANGER  
  
Day 1  
  
Arrived at Hogwarts and have been sorted into Gryffindor. Knew that I was going to anyway, because that's where all the best students come from. Also met Harry Potter and some guy named Ron. Not impressed by the latter, but Harry seems nice enough.  
  
Day 2  
  
Have been very busy doing extra-credit work (my usual work was finished before I even got off the train). All the teachers love me, of course!  
  
Hair is looking a bit funny...may have to get a detangling comb or something.  
  
Day 3  
  
Used a new magical comb and hair looks better. Ron agrees and keeps wanting to run his hands through it. Think that Ron is getting quite cheeky with me. Harry didn't seem interested in my hair at all. Dumbledore keeps giving him nice books and things totally for free! Blatant favoritism.  
  
Day 7  
  
Still the best student in school. Not much new today. Harry got another small present from Dumbledore...must have been magic because it kept vibrating when he shook the box. Haven't asked what it is as I am late for Herbology.  
  
Day 9  
  
Very overworked but still the best student! Have gotten full marks so far in every class except Potions. Snape offered to let me do extra credit, but he seemed a bit dodgy about what exactly it was he wanted me to do...only mentioned something about a bag of Galleons and Professor Quirrell.  
  
Day 20  
  
So busy lately, no time to write! Swamped with schoolwork but still the best student. Got a nice new quill from Ron as a birthday present...thanked him politely and told him I would be using it a lot to write essays in class. He seemed disappointed about that...went away muttering that he thought I'd use it some other way. What else would you use a quill for?  
  
Day 21  
  
Had a nasty episode in History of Magic. Tried to use Ron's new quill to write my essay and found out it was just a stupid feather with a latex- rubber tip! What on Earth was I supposed to do with THAT? Almost failed the exam for lack of writing utensil, but was able to bite the rubber tip off the feather and finish the essay.  
  
Day 27  
  
Stupid Harry got himself detention in Potions for mouthing off to Snape. Scheduled to be whipped in the dungeons tonite and serves him right, I say. Snape seemed anxious about the punishment...kept asking Filch if there wasn't some way Potter could serve his detention on the lawn outside of Snape's window. Not exactly sure why he should care about something like that. Must go, late for Transfiguration.  
  
Day 33  
  
Was very upset today. MacGonagall threatened to turn me into a badger if I didn't stop showing off in class. Immediately stopped singing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and got down off the desk.  
  
Day 36  
  
Stopped a mountain troll today, go me! Harry and Ron helped. Covered up for their foolishness by lying. Was VERY ashamed at myself for doing so, but decided it would be better to help out friends. Ron kept insisting later that he owed me a favor and offered to give me a foot massage. Declined as I have too much homework to do.  
  
Day 38  
  
Gryffindor won the first Quidditch match! Very exciting, especially the part when Harry was hit with a De-Trousering Curse. Ran to stop Snape from blocking the curse with one of his own, but instead stopped both curses by accident. Drat.  
  
Day 42  
  
Have started studying for final exams well in advance, unlike some people I could mention. Ron asked if I would give him some private tutoring, which I gladly agreed to. It's nice to know he's finally taking an interest in schoolwork!  
  
Later  
  
Found out that "private tutoring" did NOT mean schoolwork. Am very miffed at Ron, but also at myself for falling for the old "private tutoring" line! Also put a damper on Ron's plans when he found out I was allergic to whipped cream.  
  
Day 50  
  
Have been talking with Ron and Harry about someone being after the Philosopher's Stone for some time, but been too busy to write about it. Legend has it that the Philosopher's Stone can turn any metal into gold, and also produces the Elixir of Life, which is a chocolate syrup with astonishing powers. Am POSITIVE Snape is after it.  
  
Day 54  
  
Got a lecture from Snape about wearing my uniform's skirt too short. He wouldn't have even been able to TELL if he hadn't been waiting by edge of the stairs to watch me walk down them from underneath. At the risk of getting detention I told him just that, and he slunk away, saying that he was really waiting for Malfoy, not me. Don't see that as an excuse...Malfoy doesn't even WEAR a skirt. I hope.  
  
Day 62  
  
Saved the Philosopher's Stone through my quick-thinking and intellect, along with Harry and Ron. Gryffindor wins the House Cup. Very happy and hugged everybody, although not Ron, who seems quite unable to keep his hands to himself. Also mentally congratulated myself for being BEST STUDENT AT HOGWARTS! 


	4. Quirrell

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PROFESSOR QUIRRELL  
  
Day 1  
  
Feeling bad about ex-boyfriend dumping me. Have gone to a foreign climate to try and forget it.  
  
Day 2  
  
Met a very nice man named Voldemort. Seems to respect me for who I am. Am very happy and hope to continue this relationship.  
  
Day 602  
  
Still serving dratted Lord and Master. Really hate being relegated to the "slave" role in EVERY relationship. Have resolved to assert myself and have bought a few books on tape about self-esteem.  
  
Day 603  
  
Through a few well-positioned mirrors, confronted Voldemort face-to-face about our situation and told him I was not going to be pushed around anymore, and in short tried to evict him from the back of my head. He kept biting my fingers when I tried to poke him in the eye. Suddenly looked down in one of the mirrors to see that MY BUTT IS HUGE!! When did I gain all this weight??? VM made a mean joke about my "eating for two now"...had a good cry in the bathroom after I wrapped my head firmly in towels. Doesn't he see that I'm doing this FOR HIM?  
  
Day 604  
  
Returned to school for start of term. Still not speaking to VM. Deliberately slept on my back to bother him.  
  
Day 605  
  
Found one of the letters VM wrote to me back when we were first dating. Felt so miserable that I apologised immediately. VM promised not to be mean anymore and said he'd learned his lesson this time. Thank goodness!  
  
Day 606  
  
VM made me slam my hands in the door over and over, as punishment for being insubordinate.  
  
Day 612  
  
Met up with Snape again after a few days at school. He's looking much better than he did last year, before he got his hair layered. Tried to invite him out for dinner but VM reached around and bit my ear to stop me. Will tie hat tighter next time.  
  
Day 616  
  
Still in relationship with VM and feeling very miserable. Want to end the bloody thing and look for some new options out there (particularly in the Potions department), but VM is so manipulative! Plus he promised me a new car if I helped him get the Stone. Will think about it.  
  
Caught MacGonagall doing something strange with a badger in her classroom. She said it was for Transfiguration class. Noticed a bottle of chocolate syrup on her desk, oddly enough.  
  
Day 639  
  
Got caught by Snape trying to get the Stone. Tried to laugh it off and invite him back to my quarters but he would have none of it. It's just as well...shagging with your hat on is no fun and I'm NOT letting VM in on the action.  
  
Day 641  
  
Quidditch match today...am so frustrated that I put a De-Trousering Curse on the cute Gryffindor Seeker. Snape countered the curse...why can't he just let a person have some fun once in a while? VM yelled at me about the curse, says I'm being unfaithful. But I noticed that HE also seems to be smelling of OTHER people's hats lately!  
  
Day 656  
  
Got caught by Snape while being yelled at again by VM. Almost hoped Snape would break it up, or that they'd get into a fight over me! But he just looked at me strangely and walked away. *sigh*  
  
Day 665  
  
Was caught by yummy little Seeker kid Potter and am now dead. Have the satisfaction of knowing that VM suffered just as much. HA! 


	5. Ron

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF RON WEASELY  
  
Day 1  
  
Met Harry Potter on the train, not a bad guy. Also met Hermione, not at ALL bad. Was Sorted into Gryffindor with H.G. hottie. Go me!  
  
Day 3  
  
Already swamped with work and not getting nearly as much attention as Harry. Considered killing him but figured that wouldn't improve things. Kicked Malfoy in the shins for insulting my family.  
  
Day 7  
  
Crummy day. Bad marks on my last exams. Kicked Snape in the shins for trying to swot my butt with a textbook on the way out of class.  
  
Day 15  
  
Not very exciting here. Classes are boring and hard. No Quidditch until later in the season. Hermione not happy when I tried to initiate a game of footsies at dinner. Will try again tomorrow and see if she's in a better mood.  
  
Day 20  
  
Tried to regain Hermione's interest with a birthday present. Unfortunately, she thought it was a new quill. Didn't she read the instruction manual that came with it?  
  
Explained the difference between football and Quidditch to Dean Thomas, saying that while football was extremely boring, Quidditch was actually quite fun to watch. Am now in infirmary, where Madam Pomfrey is trying to get the Quaffle out of where Dean shoved it.  
  
Day 27  
  
Almost got turned into a badger today by MacGonagall, for mentioning chocolate syrup in class. Not quite sure why.  
  
Day 33  
  
Quidditch to begin soon! Am very excited and offered to get a private box for Hermione to watch the game from with me. She refused and also gave me back the birthday present I gave her. Stashed it under the mattress in case she changes her mind later.  
  
Day 38  
  
Gryffindor beat Slytherin!!! It was a such a great game!! Hermione seemed a little too interested when someone put a De-Trousering Curse on Harry, but I'm sure she'll forget about it.  
  
Day 39  
  
Am getting worried over Philosopher's Stone with Harry and Hermione. Am worried someone will steal it and then I won't be able to get it for myself! I could make a TON of gold with that thing. And I hear it makes this special kind of chocolate syrup. This makes me pretty sure that Snape wants to steal it.  
  
Day 45  
  
Tried to do something exciting with my hair to impress Hermione. Accidentally turned it purple. Hid in the boy's lavatory all day, next to the stall where Snape was whinging about not being Dark Arts professor. Was nice enough to run and get him a handkerchief a few times. Had to dodge him trying to cuddle me "for emotional support" though.  
  
Day 62  
  
Have kicked the butt of Voldemort thanks to my superior chess skill and also with help from Hermione and Harry. Hermione wouldn't let me give her a celebratory hug. Am starting to think she isn't into me...  
  
GRYFFINDOR WINS THE HOUSE CUP!! So GET STUFFED, Malfoy! Ha! 


	6. Voldemort

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LORD VOLDEMORT  
  
Day 1  
  
Have successfully graduated from Hogwarts and am looking forward to my new life!  
  
Day 2 Have won a free trip to Albania off the radio. Am going now to be picked up at airport by host-family. Host-father's name is "Blackhanded Argurus." Sounds like a very nice man.  
  
Day 66, 234  
  
Am the most evil entity alive. Am going to kill idiot James Potter and stupid wife Lily tonight, for referring to me as "some kind of ugly lizard guy."  
  
Day 66, 235  
  
Tried to kill the baby and it blew me to bits. Haven't been this mad since Dumbledore stood me up at the Roxbury. Also now disembodied.  
  
Day 71, 202  
  
Met up with some swotty little nancing boy named Quirrell. Stuck myself onto the back of his head for convenience. REVENGE WILL BE MINE!  
  
Day 71, 802  
  
Had to spend the whole day in the self-help section of an audio bookstore. Note to self: next time, pick a hostbody with more self-esteem.  
  
Day 71, 808  
  
Now inside Hogwarts and all is going well. Dumbledore obsessed with Potter kid, like everyone else around here. Stupid traitor Snape chasing after anything in a school uniform. Hate him.  
  
Day 71, 815  
  
Had a little spat with Quirrell and he tied me up in his stupid turban again. Will perform a severe Spanking Curse on him as a soon as I get my own body back. Almost wished MacGonagall had made good on her threat to turn him into a badger if he ever barged in her without knocking again.  
  
Day 71, 816  
  
Wish Quirrell would wash this turban once in a while.  
  
Day 71, 842  
  
Almost got the Stone on Halloween, but Snape interfered. Had to keep Quirrell from jumping down his trousers for THE FIFTH TIME THIS WEEK. Am getting very tired of his insubordination, and also do NOT want to involuntarily become part of an ugly threesome.  
  
Day 71, 844  
  
Told Quirrell to stop drawing attention to himself and be inconspicuous, so the idiot puts a De-Trousering Curse on Potter. Not that I blame him. Still, will shout something very mean at him when we get back to the room.  
  
Day 71, 860  
  
Was rather rudely evicted from Quirrell by idiot Potter. Tried to seduce him to the Dark side by using his parents as bait, while simultaneously keeping Quirrell from trying to seduce him with HIMSELF as bait. Got blown to bits for the second time. Will try to find a much more manly hostbody this time. 


	7. Harry

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HARRY POTTER  
  
Day 1  
  
Finally got away from overbearing family and am now at Hogwarts! Big improvement on the cupboard, though just as many spiders. Spooked out by crazy-looking Professor with a layered pageboy. Got Sorted into Gryffindor...hope that's a good thing! Everyone keeps rubbing my head and telling me how adorable I am. What nice people live here!  
  
Day 3  
  
Had to beat some of the nicer people off with a stick.  
  
Day 6  
  
Very busy with schoolwork, which is harder than I thought. Dumbledore is very concerned about my well-being, having been friends with my parents. Keeps reminding me that if I need anything at all, I can come to him, preferably between the hours of eleven p.m. and two a.m. Did need a quill- sharpener the other day, but unfortunately remembered I'm not allowed out of bed that late.  
  
Day 8  
  
Keep getting bad grades in Potions. Sincerely want to mouth off to scary Professor. Also want to punch his favorite student, whom I'm pretty sure he's shagging on the side. Annoying little blonde git. Still the main character though!  
  
Day 12  
  
Want to go home. Am all over in bruises from people pinching me in the halls. Am not so sure being cherubically cute is such a great thing any more. Considered disfiguring myself but decided that if the scar doesn't drive them away, more scars are not going to do the trick.  
  
Day 18  
  
Found a bunch of very advanced textbooks and a couple of detangling combs under Ron's bed. Don't know why in hell he would need such things. Tried to talk my way out a bad grade, but MacGonagall threatened to turn me into a badger. She then held me after class and told me that being a badger is actually quite fun, and would I care to try it? I said no and backed out of the room fast.  
  
Day 19  
  
MacGonagall looking disappointed since yesterday. Am definitely not going to act up in her class anymore.  
  
Day 27  
  
Got a detention from Snape and a NASTY whipping for it in the dungeons. Could have sworn I saw a black cloak hiding behind the door of the dungeon room while I was serving detention. Went to be all sore that night and had highly upsetting dreams about chocolate syrup.  
  
Day 36  
  
Stopped a troll from rampaging in the girls' biffy today! Hermione covered for me and Ron, which was very nice of her. What she made me do afterwards to "pay her back" was not so nice, although very educational. Considering transferring into Hufflepuff.  
  
Day 38  
  
WON THE QUIDDITCH MATCH! Had a bloody hard time keeping my trousers on for some reason, though no one in the stands seemed to have a problem with it. Note to self: Don't put Snitches in your mouth. They taste icky.  
  
Had a great party in the common room with everyone. Kept getting hoisted over people's heads, which was great! I never knew I could be this popular before. Had to eventually go to bed, as people had taken to hoisting me over their heads rather too freely. Somehow wound up with someone's Quidditch glove in the left leg of my trousers.  
  
Day 42  
  
Have had premonition about the Philosopher's Stone. It is said to turn any metal into gold, and also produce the Elixir of Life, which is a chocolate syrup with astonishing powers. Am CONVINCED Snape is trying to steal it. Am also convinced someone or someones have been stealing all of my underwear from my drawer...now down from 12 pairs to 2 in three days.  
  
Day 46  
  
Went sneaking about at night to find my underwear. Found Snape and Quirrell doing something up against a wall. Talking , I suppose. Still no underwear.  
  
Day 52  
  
Am having hard time with finals. Asked to borrow some people's textbooks but apparently can only read them if I sit in the owner's lap. Declined on the fact that I would have no time to study in such a weird arrangement. RIP underwear.  
  
Day 62  
  
Confronted Quirrell, who revealed he was in an abusive relationship with a face on the back of his head. Not surprised. He always was kind of swotty. With Hermione and Ron's help, defeated Voldemort and saved the Stone, plus won the House Cup!! I AM THE BEST BOY WIZARD CHARACTER EVER!!!! GO ME!! 


	8. Hedwig

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF HEDWIG  
  
Day 1  
  
Was bought by large hairy man and given to small wizard boy. Not named yet.  
  
Day 42  
  
Still not named and hardly even featured in this film. Am getting bitter. Resolved to have a fling with the badger that's been sneaking aorund the Owlery.  
  
Day 43  
  
Discovered that the badger is a transfigured MacGonagall. Still determined to get some action, at any rate.  
  
Day 49  
  
Still no name and getting very mad about this. Was once a very important key character...now a cheap plot development. Also, badger-MacGonagall seems distant.  
  
Day 62  
  
School is over and still no name. Surprised boy didn't leave me at the school by accident. Will eat his whole family as revenge. 


End file.
